French Maids and the Past

2002 and 2003 were fun and interesting times for me. I was starting my second year at USU and was again living in the dorms. The summer of 2002 I had decided that I was going to give the LDS church another try, some would say I failed since I never really went back, but I feel like I seceded, I digress though. That year, in Snow Hall, I lived across from a dorm of girls that I instantly clicked with. There was the girl with the big gums, the girl with the mousy hair and thick glasses, the pudgy girl that thought she was Reese Witherspoon, the runner and then Sauerkraut. One day I was walking down the hall and saw S-Kraut sitting on the couch staring at nothing, I said “hi,” she looked as though I had just flashed her. She was shocked and amazed, but that was all it took to form a friendship with her. I never really got into the gossip of that dorm, but I guess most people viewed her as the “bad girl” and ignored her, after 6 years of her being one of my best friends, I would say she is misunderstood.

The Halloween of 2002, and you must know S-Kraut LOVES Halloween, S-Kraut’s two friends came to visit. One was a sexy cat who was living in Pocatello, the other a French Maid who was attending BYU, and S-Kraut a nurse…of course all of them had their toppsies hanging out like hookers, but that is how the Howl was. I went into S-Kraut’s room to talk to her as I would do from time to time, and you also need to know S-Kraut is OCD about clean, and I have never seen a room go from a sterile environment to toxic waste dump so quickly. I remember one of them was lounging in a pile of clothes on a chair, and the other was lying on a bed with no sheets, on her back, looking at a magazine surrounded in makeup, shoes, curling irons, fake eye lashes and anything else imaginable that could make you look like a tramp. I have never seen S-Krauts room like this before, I was very confused.

As I was talking to the French Maid who was going to BYU I said something about how she was dressed and how she went to BYU and it seemed a little risque, but then confessed I was a bad Mormon boy as well because I smoked and drank. We started talking about being judged and being repressed and all that stuff. I am not sure at my age, 21, I had all the answers, in fact I am sure I was repeating the same tired lines all LDS people use when they aren’t following the rules, but I liked this girl and it felt good to meet someone else who was feeling what I was.

From time to time these two girls would come back to visit S-Kraut and I always looked forward to it. One day my friend “K” and I were looking for an apartment to rent for the summer of 2003, we decided we just couldn’t afford it and had almost given up. As we were walking into my dorm I saw S-Kraut, again lying on her couch staring at nothing, and just said something like, “You should live with us this summer.” She said “OK.” And it was my favorite summer, which I have blogged about before.

The French Maid and I stayed friends since S-Kraut and I lived together, but she ended up going on a mission, so basicly it was “Game off” until she got home. After her mission she returned to BYU and I would see her every once in a while. S-Kraut graduated from college and moved to SLC  in 2005 and I tried my best to go see her as much as I could, but eventually it was every three months or so I would visit, and a phone call was made mabey monthly.

In 2006 I was going through some tough times. I was finally leaving the church for good, I was telling people I am gay and really needed my support group of best friends. I had stopped eating and couldn’t get out of this depression. S-Kraut’s apartment became my second home. Every Saturday for months I would drive down to SLC in the evening to go clubbing with S-Kraut and the French Maid. I remember the excitement of walking up the plastic lined stairs laughing to myself thinking that in a few hours I would have to follow two screaming girls as they wobbled down the stairs in skirts that were to short and shoes that were to tall. I liked knowing that the first thing S-Kraut would say to me as I walked into her apartment was “God you stink.” It is interesting to note that I have never actually seen her say this phrase before because everytime she says it she is either speedily walking away from me, or has her mouth and nose jammed into the sleeve of her hoodie. In this apartment, one that was so unassuming, is where I discovered how much the French Maid and I had in common. She too was deciding her fate with the LDS church. Many hours were spent talking about growing up in the church; talking about the good and the bad memories. We talked about doctrine that we liked, doctrine we didn’t and doctrine we thought was silly. Keep in mind these conversations were a little here and a little there, but I always felt better after talking to her, even if it was for just two minutes.

S-Kraut had the most terrible apartment, it smelled like feet and fabric softener until you hit her door, once in the safety of her apartment it was like coming home again. My spot to sleep was on the brown carpeted floor, the French Maid would sleep on a bed that doubled, unsuccessfully, as a couch. Sometimes I would go to sleep drunk, sometimes I would go to sleep sad, and sometimes I would go to sleep with a big smile on my face, but every night on that brown carpeted floor I felt at peace.

In the mornings S-Kraut would get up as soon as the sun hit her face, I would hear her watching TV and would say “I’m hungry.” I would sit up and the first thing I would see was her sitting cross legged in her worn out USU sweats and a blue USU sweatshirt, both 4 sizes to big. Her hair was always in a bun and and she was usually painting her toe nails or whitening her teeth. When I would tell her I was hungry she would throw on a pair of old Nike’s and her big sunglasses and was instantly ready. I would put on a hoodie and my sunglasses, which were generally used to hide my bloodshot eyes from the night before, and was faced with the decision of what to do with the French Maid.  The French Maid never made mornings easy for us. She would get mad if we woke her up, but would be mad if we went to breakfast without her, but if we waited for her to wake up on her own it could be mid afternoon, so what to do? We would wake her up. The French Maid would always sleepily open her eyes as if she were coming out of a deep coma and would say, groggily, “What time is it?” After scanning the apartment for her bra she dug out of her sleeve and carelessly tossed across the room the night before, she would sit up, rub her eyes, and tell me to turn around as she redressed, but it never took long.

At the IHOP in West Valley I am sure we looked like the most insane group of people. S-Kraut, who hates crowds, would be glaring at someone, for no other reason than that they exist. The French Maid still was to tired to know what day it was and I would come in after them reeking of cigarettes, again to which S-Kraut would proclaim “God you stink.” After we were seated we generally didn’t speak unless it was to criticize the kids in the next booth, or what a customer was wearing, obvious we were oblivious to how we looked. I would always leave first to get a jump start on another cigarette, I would give S-Kraut the keys so they could sit in the car and glare at me as I smoked. Back to S-Krauts apartment we would go, but this time there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew the time to go back to Logan was coming. I knew eventually I would have to go back to my world of feeling second class, having deep discussion with my family about why I am a disappointment. It was the end of feeling accepted for another week.

Tonight I sit in S-Krauts new apartment, it has new carpets, a new couch, a new dining room table and and has a balcony that over looks a swimming pool and spa. Tonight I am sleeping on the couch because the French Maid now lives in Portland. I miss sleeping on the floor, I miss seeing the French maid eat Smith’s Deli Sushi and drink a Naked drink. I miss seeing S-Kraut roll her eyes after I came in from a cigarette. I miss laughing at the telephone wire where a loogie hung in limbo that S-Kraut spit across the living room and out the window. I miss the smell of burning Indian food in the hall, I miss laughing at the wall that S-Kraut punched a hole in and thought she fixed expertly, I miss trying to order dime bags and 8-balls at McDonalds. I miss the French Maid.

Come home Mel, it’s not the same without you.

P.S.

I have to add one more website to my previous list….

http://www.pgeverydaysolutions.com – This website sends you free samples of Proctor & Gamble products. I am getting a trial sample of heartburn medication, which I will save until I am 50 and will need it, and I am getting free Crest Strips! The catch is you only get one free offer per offer period. This means I wont be able to get my 2-year supply of Prilosec for free. Oh and since they are opening a factory in Tremonton we should buy more P&G products and boycott La-Z-Boy who closed up shop and moved to Mexico.

Oh, and never say “Hey are you working hard, or hardly working?” If you do I will stab you with a shiv fashioned with a chunk of your phemur. And if you see someone getting a big drink of water and you say “Hey, save some for the fish!” Expect to be kicked in the nuts, or girl nuts. Both phrases were said to me today.

SUCK IT!

Monthly posts?

Yes I post monthly, no I don’t care, and here is why. There is so much I want to post about, but lately I feel like blogging is work. I want to post about how I slept on my cat cat for 10 minutes and didn’t know, but it just seemed forced. I think the problem is I am out of practice. So I will give all my three readers my word that I will try to post more than once a month.

This months post will be about my favorite websites.

Woot.com – Many people know about this website, for good reason. Everyday at midnight CST, they post a new item at a really good price (sometimes). Sometimes the items they post are crappy, like this week they had a 20 piece ratchet set for, I think, $9.99 with $5 shipping, at Wal-Mart it sells for $17, but since it was on Tuesday you get 2 for the price of one. So you get 2 ratchet sets for about $15. The item sucked though, it was to small to really use for big jobs. Anyway at woot they have 1 item each day and if the item sells out before midnight? Well you get to wait till midnight before they post a new item. Sometimes they have “Bags of Crap.” The BOC is $3 and it can come with dollar store items or flat screen TV’s, that is the fun, you don’t know what you will get but the value is always more than the $3 you spend, they always sell out quick, so if you see a BOC BUY IT!!!!!!! I have bought a Bluetooth dongle for $1, a 2 gig MP3 player for $9.99 and something else…but I forget.

http://www.1saleaday.com/ – This website is similar to woot. They have one sale a day, and at 10:00 MST. The good about this website is they have FREE items all the time, all you do is pay for shipping. I have seen USB drives for free with $5 shipping, FREE 10-in-1 card readers and what not….VERY COOL. This website also has a tab for only wireless items, the deals are just as good. They have bluetooth items, wireless headphones and much more. VERY COOL.

www.shopping.yahoo.com – Again, this website is like woot and 1sale. I have never bought from this website before, because the items are much more expensive, relatively speaking. Today they have an 8.2mega pixel camera for $69.99 so if I needed a digital camera, this is a good deal.

Anyway I just thought I would give a heads up on all the websites I go to everyday.

SUCK IT!

A few things I have noticed

On the way to work there is a sign for Westhost. It says “…is one click away.” At 55mph the lowercase “C” and the lowercase “L” kind of look like a “D.” It really changes the meaning of the billboard.

I have also noticed that I have no idea how to do several things.

1) Use RSS feeds. I hear they are a life saver, but I have no idea how to do it.
2) Use this blog. There are features that I want to use, that I just don’t know how to work.
3) Resize photos. I know this sounds stupid, but I don’t know what I am doing.
4) And I want to rename all my music so it is all consistant, BUT HOW!

On and if anyone knows an employee for BYU that would bid on an item for me I would really appreciate it. AND one last thing. What phone should I get.

1) LG VU
2) Samsung Eternity
3) iPhone 3g

SUCK IT!

About my friend Kamille

So I am going to tell you all about my friend Kamille and why I love her. Kamille and I met in 2002 or 2003, it is really hard to say, but I am sure she will add a comment and tell me exactly when we met because she remembers EVERYTHING. Kamille and I worked together at Papa Kelseys, she was 16 and I was 21, so that would have made the year 2004 (SUCK ON THAT MS. PERFECT!!) Anyway, I came into the restaurant and saw her bending over looking into a refrigerator under the prep table and said something crude and now we are friends….no wait I think that was Jackie….I think Kamille caught me dancing to Mary Moore or Backstreet Boys….Anyway Kamille is the best.

I liked working with her because her car sucked and I liked to go outside and look at all the new Duct Tape she had applied to her car to keep it running. I also enjoyed breaking glass jars in the dumpster with her. We also had this closing routine that kicked butt, I am still convinced that if for one day we were to go back to P.K’s we could close faster than any of the current employees and would forget nothing.

Kamille and I went sledding on the snow drifts behind PK in garbage bags, I wrote her a $1 check for a dare she completed, but then told her not to try to cash it as it would bounce. Kamille and I had so much fun at P.K’s but I was old and she was a minor so we were “work friends.”

Kamille graduated from High School and moved to Jackson, it was lame, we were no longer friends. But one day I was sweeping my carport and she came over to say “hi” and we became friends….and then we weren’t because she went away again. One day I saw her car at P.K’s and laughed because we had both quit that damn job like 3 times, but always went back. I called our dear friend Jackie and we laughed at her, so I called her, it turns out she was also working at BB&B, she got me a job there, I forced her to move in with me, we went on a cruise, she moved to Jackson for the summer, she moved back to the house then she moved home and hopefully will return to the cave in my basement some day.  I miss Kamille. But don’t miss getting her mail because I still get it!!…metric butt-loads of junk mail from hippie colleges all over the country. FORWARD.YOUR .MAIL!

Here is a conversation between Jackie and Kamille.

Jackie: Hey Kamille what is one thing we have always thought about Jeff?
Kamille: Jeff is gay.
Jackie: Yes.

It still makes me laugh.

- In 2007 Kamille shaved her head bald.
- Kamille is a vegetarian, isn’t a vegetarian, is a vegetarian, isn’t….
- Kamille and I tried to fast for 10 days but on day one she ate a box of Charlston Chews
- Kamille’s dog weighs 102 lbs
- Kamille taught me to love HSM 1-2, I have yet to see 3
- Kamille hates cotton balls, talking about cotton balls, and describing how the little hairs on cotton balls  stick to your finger pads…she is gagging right now
- Kamille thinks she is tough, but is the most tender person I have met
- Kamille had a cat named Eboda and a dog named Squeakers
- Kamille and I used to have hair parties where we would spend hours doing our hair…the length of our hair? 2 maybe 3 inches.
- I once got in trouble at BB&B for bringing Kamille a glass of water….in a Waterford Crystal goblet.
- Kamille dresses up for my parties, but leaves before the party gets crazy!

Kamille is one of my bestest buddies and might need a little help from the Universe…so say a prayer, harness your chi, send good vibes or say a nice comment about her in the comment section…anything you can do to make her life a little brighter these days is appreciated.

SUCK IT!

I know, I know

So before anyone says it, I know I haven’t posted for a month, then I go and post 2 times within hours of each other…get over it, but I just saw something so funny I couldn’t help myself, I had to write about it.

So I am watching TV and this infomercial comes on for a fake fireplace that is actually a decorative space heater. As they are talking about it they list the following features…

- it is portable, so you can heat only the space you are using.

- it has a fake flame so it is cool to the touch, which is great for kids and pets.

- it is made by the Amish, so you know it is a quality product.

WAIT WHAT? It is made by the Amish? I thought I misheard it, but nope they showed pictures of Amish people working in an old barn to make these fireplaces. It is weird to say the least. Link to the insanity.

My sister makes jewelry, it is pretty cool stuff, she makes it from home and wants to turn her hobby into a part-time job so she can work from home. You should click on her Etsy shop to see if you like the stuff. If you like it, buy it and pass the word on. Don’t tell her about this blog though, very top secret from my family! Click Here, Click Here!

SUCK IT!

Predictions and other crap

So, I am a terrible blogger. I blog monthly and really don’t care. The problem these days is that I simply don’t care…did I mention I don’t care? Oh well I am sure this token blog post will keep some of you off my back

Jess on SHSNE, which I am not linking to because I don’t care to, made a very fun post last year. She made predictions for 2008, then at the beginning of this year updated us if her predictions panned out. So I am going to do the same thing!

10 THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN 2009

1) I will not graduate. I know I want to, and I should, but for some reason will not.

2) I will get another pet. Let me say I do not really want another animal, but am a sucker for the sad eyes.

3) I will not “get in shape” like I threaten to every year.

4) I will pay off all my credit cards. This one I want to do, and will do.

5) The US will have a HUGE natural disaster.

6) I will date someone briefly.

7) Utah will not have an earthquake called “the big one”

I will buy another car.

9) I will regret buying another car.

10) I will have a different set of roommates.

And there you have my 2009 predictions, all of which will come true. Thinking about this, if I am as accurate as I think I am, I will never have to blog again and my dear readers will still know exactly what is going on in my life….interesting.

SUCK IT!

Necessity is the mother of what?

So I have been working my BUTT off these past few weeks. Now that school is out I feel like I should be working 12 hour days….so I am. Last week I worked 71 hours, and this week I am on track to beat that, so needless to say I have been thinking a lot. I think about money, school, the house, cars I want, and inventions…yes inventions. Did I also mention I have been farting a lot?

So you mix two thought streams and you get this “Dude I just farted, I hope no one can smell it, they should invent something that will let me fart at anytime.” Well here folks is my first invention. THE ASS PLEASURE!

Here is the premise, it is a devise that is fitted next to or  near your ass. It is filled with a wonderful scent that when air passes through releases the scent. Because of the micron filtration technology we have, all offending poo gas smells will be captured in the filter, and out will flow wonderful clean smelling air. I imagine this will be a conversation in the future.

Co-worker – Jeff did you just spray cologne? It smells like a Mountain Spring!

Me – Why no my good sir, I just farted, you are smeling my Ass Pleasure!

Co-worker – Bravo Jeff, Bravo.

I have decided there will be several scent families. Outdoor, holiday, baked goods, and my favorite Wild Fruits. I also envision a line of Ass Pleasure based on existing colognes…CK1 Ass Pleasure and Eternity Ass Pleasure to name a few. I was thinking that this is not just an item for men, there will be Ass Pleasures for Him and Ass Pleasures for her….and I just thought of a new one, Pet Ass Pleasures! ( I could use that one!)

So how much would you be willing to pay for this item? $1500? $1000? How about $4.99 for a two pack! Yes you heard me right, one Ass Pleasures will last 12 hours and you get two for less than the cost of a Pizza!

So what do you think of idea # 1? PATENT PENDING!

Idea #2 is one I REALLY REALLY WANT. It is called the Poomba. We have all heard of the Roomba, the creapy little vacuum thing that vacuums your floor by itself then docks itself to charge it’s batteries, well why not have an industrial strength version that will scoop the animal crap in your yard? Here is my idea.

It is an electric four wheeled machine that has sensors on it. You put stakes in the corners of your grassy area. The Poomba will know the boundries because of the sensors in the stakes and will begin to comb your yard for debris. The Poomba will have lawnmower tires and a rake-like device on the front that will scoop the poop. When the rake scoops an item the contraption will stop and the rake will lift, dumping the contents into a container on the top. When the Poomba has scoured the yard for poop it will close the lid to the poo container and re-dock itself on it’s charger. When the poo bucket is full you just release it and throw it away.

So there you are. These are the things I think about at work. And yes I know people will type  “Ass Pleasure” in Google and will be disappointing at finding the link to my blog….or will they….?

SUCK IT!

Why I love my friends.

I miss two of my very bestest friends. We used to all live pretty close together and had some really fun times. One of us, Ms. Bojangles, moved to Portland and ruined it all. We still try to keep in touch via email and an annual summer trip but it isn’t the same. The following is an email I sent to Ms. Bojangles and Sauerkraut. I was telling them how my week went, and how it would have gone if they had been here…the part you are reading is how it WOULD have gone. You, my dear readers, are in for a treat. You get to see how me, Sauerkraut and Ms. Bojangles interact, (lets just call them S-Kraut and Ms. Bj). FYI some of it has been changed to protect names and clean up some language.

*You are now joining our regular email already in progress*

…I
hate my life, but one day I will be so rich and have no stress, and that
is what keeps me going. I want you guys to move close again, I hate
making memories without you people because if you two were here this is
how the break would have gone….

Wednesday – I would force you all to go to the bar, S-Kraut would
have been pissed because the bar charged her for a non alcoholic
beverage, Ms. Bj would have been trying to dance while 15 nasty old men, who just
stumbled out of their trailer, stared at her. I would have been chain
smoking, S-Kraut would have told me I stink.

Thursday – I would have cooked some God-aweful meal, S-Kraut would
have yelled at me for burning it and she would have made something that was
only ok, and she would have bitched about how much better it COULD have
been. I would have used this as ammunition to torture her with for
years. Ms. Bj would have been online trying to find the perfect vegetarian
dish and would have given up and eaten the turkey. I would have turned
on Christmas music and pissed both of you off.

Firday – We would have camped out in front of Smiths Marketplace
and Ms. Bj would have worn the most horrible outfit but would justify it
with “But I am so warm!” S-Kraut would have gotten in the car and turned
the heat on and we would all eventually have gotten in the car, but my
farts would be to strong and I would have been kicked out. S-Kraut would
have stood in the line and made passive aggresive comments to anyone
that looked at her funny, Ms. Bj would criticize everyones outfits,
oblivious to the fact that hers would have been the worst! We would
have gotten the toys.

Saturday – We would have gone tree hunting, you both would have
bitched the whole time and I would have to defend why this was better
than buying one at the store. Ms. Bj would have gotten out of the car the
first time to hunt for the tree, but would not have gotten out a second
time. I would have stepped on the dead elk, Ms. Bj would have wondered why
it died, S-Kraut would have thrown up. I would make us stop like 10 times
looking for the perfect tree, S-Kraut would have only gotten out of the
car IF she could use the ax. I would have seen her swinging the axe and
would be annoyed at how wrong she is doing it. She would hit the tree
like 2 times and would wonder why it isn’t falling down like in the
cartoons at which point I would have become verbally abusive and would
steal the ax from her and chopped the tree down, Ms. Bj would be
hysterically laughing in the car. S-Kraut would stomp back to the car
leaving me to load the tree on myself. As we were driving home you both
would be complaining that this was a waste of time….but would be sad
when I didn’t do it next year.

Sunday – We would wake up at like 10 and go to Angies, Ms. Bj would be
pissed because we woke her up, but would have been more pissed had we
not. We would have come back home and sat around in our pajamas until 2
in the afternoon smelling like sweat, farts and cigarettes….the last
2 are me. But we would have had a great weekend and I would have been
sad when you both left and the house would feel empty and quiet.

Move back.

Jeff

Random Stuff

I hate clutter. I hate all the personal crap people have in their house for decorations. I hate dry flowers I hate anything that is not nessicary. I hate bumper stickers, I hate junk. So why was I so compelled to buy these damn shadow boxes at Bed Bath and Beyond because “They are on sale!” Now my house no longer has bare walls and I might like it. But my issue with non nessicary items is being challenged even more. I mentioned I hate bumperstickers….well the Momtero had 2 when I bought it and had 3 when it died! (Obama ‘08, Leave No Trace, and an FSM badge) I loved all the stickers. Well now my most recent used car acquisition comes complete with 3 stickers (I heart Strippers, a #20 and a naked lady with the words SKIN). If you must know those stickers are staying on the car for the following reasons….I do love strippers, just maybe not the ones people think of first. I hear that NASCAR #20 is a bad A$$ so people will think I am also, and finally the “Skin” sticker might prevent a hate crime.

I bought a Pepsi today with an expiration of 08/05/08.

I am thinking of fixing the Momtero.

I am buying a Chevy Beretta.

My stereo in the Blazer fell out of the dash, the mirror cover on the sun visor fell off, and one speaker blew all in the same 40 minute drive.

Oh and I am eating energy drink gum.

SUCK IT!

p.s. the “Skin” sticker has a, how you say “Beaver Shot?” Yeah classy