Ford Taurus SHO?

Ok before you read any further do a google image search on these words 1997 Ford Taurus. Do another google image search on 2000 Ford Focus. Ok now that you can see both pictures we can proceed. In September I put my car on craigslist and had no responses. Last week a guy contacted me about trading for my car. I currently have the Focus. Anyway everyone that reads this needs to leave a comment with your vote. I will list the options and stats of each car. You make a decision and tell me what to do. I will honestly do what ever the majority votes.

Both cars have….

4 doors, power windows, mirrors, locks, AC, Cruise, CD players, keyless entry.

Focus

2000, 150k Miles, Red, good gas mileage and borrrrring as Hell. I have owned this car for 5 years and am ready for a change, but cannot afford a newer car at this time. Focus is 3 years newer than the Taurus, and gets better gas mileage. 5-Speed (which I LOVE)

Taurus SHO

V8, Leather, V8, CD changer, V8, Chrome Rims, V8, 110k miles (40k less than the Focus), V8, Automatic (which I would hate).

Keep in mind I drive about 5 miles a day so gas mileage means almost nothing to me. The insurance on the Focus is $35 a month, the Taurus would be $34 a month. My current car is newer but has more miles. The Taurus is older, but has less miles. *Edit* The Focus has 109 hp, versus 235 hp in the Taurus SHO.

So add a comment, tell me what to do. The voting will end Friday at 4:00 p.m. MST.

 Peace 

Turd Update

Well folks there are several issues we need to discuss today.

First, I had my analogy wrong….I would have been the Snowman for he was the one breaking the law and trying to run “below the radar,” my friend would have been the Bandit running blocker to keep the Smokeys (coworkers) from finding me in the womens room.

Second, the cleaning lady tried to flush the big ‘ol poop 3 times to no avail, the turd just had to much surface area. She ended up disolving the poop with a special toilet cleaner/industrial strength acid. The Bandit suggested beating it with a toilet brush to break it up, maybe next time. 

Third, we have some ideas why the Bandit discovered the Turd in the first place. Idea one is the Turd sent out an aura that spoke to the Bandit because the Turd was so amazing, and prideful, it needed to be seen. My theory is the Turd was so big it had it’s own gravitational force which drew in any movable object within 15 feet. Because the Turd is now half way to the Great Salt Lake we cannot quarantine the Turd and study it’s properties.

We have a few suspects in the office, fortunatly the ratio of men to women is very skewed, way more men. Unfortunatly the people it would be most funny to blame it on are out of town. This fact makes my initial prediction stand as most accurate. She is a very petite person and like the saying goes ”big things come from small packages.”

Read my quick blog.

Peace

*EDIT* Some are having trouble viewing the turd, look at the top of the screen, there you will find a page for the Turd. If you would like a copy of this picture to make your friends jealous, please send a self addressed stamped envelope with $4.95 for handling.

Big ‘ol Turd

So first, I have to apologize to my loyal reader (who every you are, thanks for checking in everyday.) Now that all the formal business has been attended to, let us discuss what is possibly the most funny experience ever.

At work we discuss many “colorful” topics. These topics range from the weather to sex and everything in-between…including poop. Yes you heard me poop. There are several reasons we discuss poop, the first and most obvious reason is because poop is funny. I don’t care who you are and whether you claim you do it or not, but you DO poop, and it IS funny. And here is my story.

Today I am sitting at my cubicle like a model employee. I am busying myself with my tasks of the day when a coworker, whom shall remain nameless instant messages me that someone has taken the “biggest dump ever and it probably can’t be flushed down.” Ok we all like to tell a good story, and sometimes to make the story better we embellish, so I am using my journalism skills, thank you Professor Wamsley, to find out if it is really is as big of a poop as she is claiming. A little known fact, no one at my office knows how to properly flush a toilet. Anyway so I tell her to take a picture, she will not. So I tell her I am coming over. On my way I hatch the perfect plan, it will be like Smokey and the Bandit. I will be Bandit and she will run blocker to keep me apprised of the Smokeys, her name was Snowman. If you haven’t seen Smokey and the Bandit, none of this is funny. So I round up a digital camera and rush into the womans room to find this “huge dump.” Well apparently the Snowman is NOT familiar with the concept of running blocker because she followed me into the bathroom, which turned out okay because no one tried to use the facilities as I was in there taking pictures of what WAS in fact THE BIGGEST CRAP EVER. Picture if you will a 25 year old man gagging in the womans room taking a picture of a giant poop and a female coworker screaming and laughing. After I snap the picture I come blazing out of the bathroom and my coworker says “pretend like you are taking a drink.” I take a big drink of water just as I find the humor in the situation and water sprays out of my nose. We begin to laugh so hard that we had to go out side.

Now, if you have a tough stomach I have made the poop picture it’s own page. It is a very graphic picture and is not for the faint of heart. This is me WARNING YOU TO NOT NAVIGATE TO THAT PAGE UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE THE BIGGEST HUMAN CRAP EVER TAKEN. It is enormous. My coworker said she would need an ice pack after taking a dump of that size.

Enjoy

The Idea Terrorist

I quickly wrote about this on my “Quick Blog” page, but decided this issue needs to be spoken about in more detail.

I am sure everyone knows an “Idea Terrorist.” This is the person who hi-jacks and kills everything you try to do. Sometimes they will let the project or idea live, just so they can get credit for it. Other times they take your idea, beat the shit out of it, chop it up into bits, take a bit ol’ dump on it, put it on a paper plate and tell you it is quiche.

Hypothetically lets say you are organizing a parade. Everyone is excited, people are participating, people are laughing about it and suddenly the Terrorist says: “Well Ihate clowns, no clowns.”

Okay…..to please this person you kill the clowns. Hey, you can still have a parade without clowns right!?!

Next the Terrorist says: “I don’t like your parade route, let’s change it.” 

Here it gets annoying, but hey no clowns and a venue change…I can dig it.

“Well I hate candy, we aren’t throwing candy.”

Ok now people are getting pissed; no candy, no clowns and we are walking down some shit-ass street?!?

You know what is coming next, you can see it happening, you are already biting your tongue, you can feel your face turning red. You are faking a smile and you start to take big breaths when suddenly the, “Magic Bullet.” This is also referred to as “the final straw,” or “The Hijacking.”

The terrorist will say: “You know what, I don’t like that there are floats in this parade, we need to have only white cars, with no decorations, the drivers have to have blue eyes, you must wear khaki colored pants, your underwear has to have your name on the wasteband, your car must have EXACTLY 34 psi of air in the front tires and 36 psi of air in the rear, no one born on a Tuesday can ride in the front seat, windows must be rolled up, and no one can smile.”

This is the point where no one wants to organize a parade anymore, no one wants to even go to this lame-ass parade, the life has been officially sucked out. So what do you do? You sit on the curb and eat your shit-quiche while the Terrorist becomes the Grand Marshal of a parade with no soul, somthing that you thought would be fun turned into the most boring, bland, dead idea ever. 

Terrorist 1; Me 0 

Blogroll, and the sale of my soul

I am really getting into this whole blogging thing. I check my blog before, durring and after work. I check my blog stats hourly and I am searching for new and cool blogs all the time. I may have sold my soul to wordpress.com.

I have added four blogs to my Blogroll.

1)KVNU For the People: This blog RULZ. It is comentary and opinion in the Cache Valley. I love the mix of people who contribute, liberals, conservatives and libertarians to name a few. Screw the Herald Journal, I get my news here.

2)See Hear Speak No Evil: This is a blog my friends Jess and Bridge created, along with their friend Al, whom I have never met, but want to. They cover topics like crappy cell phones, beer, kids making movies and more. To be honest I am sure if you are reading this, you have come from or have read this blog. I really just wanted to give a shout out to my peeps.

3)Bishop Higgins 3rd Ward: This is the funniest blog I have ever read, ever. It is Mormon satire at it’s best. Read this blog, I promise you wont be offended, even if you are the “Ward Gay.”

4) Three’s Company: This is a blog my two best friends and I write on. Mel, Saurkraut, and I have been friends for 5 years and have decided to put our rantings inblog form. This is a new blog, but expect great things. This blog will be “R rated” just so you know.

I think that is all for tonight. I do have one concern with my blog though, the time is GMT, does anyone know how to change it? I don’t like that at 4:00 p.m. MST my blog switches to the next day.

*Edit* I am going to be changing the pages around until I like the layout. I stole an idea from Loralee’s Luney Toons. If you want a quick snipet of what is going through my head, look at the “Quick Blog” page.

Peace

Stuck heads and stolen couches

My dog is a spaz, this can not be denied. Yesterday he escaped the yard, a trick he is perfecting. The back story is this; I had a chainlink fence I propped up in 2005 just to keep him in the yard, this temporary fence lasted nearly two years, two ugly years. Last month I became tired of the eyesore and built a nice wood fence. I stained it and everything, it looks great. The problem is my yard is uneven and Buddy can dig under the fence. Cinderblocks, rocks, wood slats and tree stumps cannot block his path, he still manages to escape and explore the neighborhood. Yesterday a very kind neighbor recognized my dog and herded him back to my property where Buddy quickly tried to go back in the hole under the fence, problem was he chose the wrong hole and promptly became stuck. Now I know from experience when you choose the wrong hole you slowly back out and reinsert yourself in the correct hole, Buddy doesn’t have that knowledge, my neighbor had to remove the dog from the hole and point him in the right direction.

As my neighbor was entertaining me with this tale of “wrong hole syndrom” he noticed my couch and asked where I got it. Well the truth is I stole the couch from the D.I. was arrested and now have a Class B Misdemeanor on my record, so I told him the story to which he replied “That is my old couch, we took it to the D.I. in Oct. 2005.”

That pretty much sums up my evening, except that I ate a rotten Banana Cream pie and the most vile human being in the world, my neighbor, is either dead, moving, or has decided to abandon his white trash roots and is remodeling. I am hoping for death or moving *fingers crossed*

Peace

Idaho and random thoughts

So I went to Yellowstone over the weekend. It was great, I love long drives, loud music and speeding. It is my love for speeding that has gotten me in trouble MANY times. I think I am up to 14 tickets now, yes I got a ticket over the weekend. The crappy part is for the first time since I turned 16 I have a clean driving record, my last ticket was August 2004. Let me set the scene….middle of no where, I know wierd since I was in Idaho, but I was in the middle of NO WHERE! I was about 40 miles from the nearest “city”. I was going 81 in a 65….there was no traffic, a straight road and perfect weather. I am pretty pissed, so now I am going to Pocatello to talk to the judge about this. I admit I was speeding, what I am hoping is instead of a ticket that will go on my record I could take defensive driving or some reasonable fascimile.

Back to Yellowstone….I saw a bear…I named him Horrace, a friend thought I said Norris, so he called him Chuck Norris the bear, even though clearly that is not the bears name…it is Horrace. This same friend is convinced of several things. 1) Chuck Norris’s beard can infact punch you 2)His cat weighs less than 20lbs (the fat ass makes the floor creak when he walks) 3)Eating 2 kinds of pork each meal is healthy. To this last item I would like to direct him to my previous post.

In case anyone was wondering my favorite band as of today is The Rapture.

 Peace

Can They Suffer?

I found an interesting pamphlet under my desk at school on Friday, and as many know I will read anything. As a kid I used to read everything under the bathroom sink. I would lock myself in there for hours just reading shampoo bottles, hairspray bottles, toothpaste tubes etc. But I digress, this pamphlet was on the treatment of animals before they are slaughtered for food.

Now I am by no means a liberal, or an activist,  or a member of PETA, but I do love animals, so this pamphlet was very eye opening. What I liked most about this pamphlet was it makes sense. They don’t ask that we all run out and buy macrame sandles and only eat wind-fallen fruits, they ask that we cut down on our consumption of meat slightly. There was a quote that stuck out to me “The question is not, Can they reason? nor, Can they Talk? but, Can they suffer?” I love this. Whenever a debate on cruelty to animals begins, the conservatives shout “They are animals, not humans, we can’t give dogs more rights than a man.” Correct, they are animals, but animals can still suffer. I remember watching my dog get hit by a car as a child, the sound she made was horrific as she was hit, and the sounds she made on the car ride to the vet were just as tragic, clearly she was suffering. The thought of this experience still makes me shudder to this day. Murphie was a fighter though and only ended up with a few stitches in her leg, and had to wear a cone around her neck; she never did like lampshades after that.

Again, I digress. After reading the booklet and looking at the pictures it is clear that these animals are suffering. The animals that are there for breeding spend their lives lying in their own feces on the grated floors. The animals that are being fattened for slaughter are literally stuffed 3, 4, and 5 deep into cages too small for one animal. When they are fat enough they then are crammed into huge trucks to be transported to slaughter houses, imagine sitting in a car for 12 hours with no A.C. in the summer, or heat in the winter. Again, can they suffer?

So after reading this I can not claim to be a vegetarian, Lord knows I have tried, but I can cut down on the meat I do eat maybe saving a life or two in the process. My family always says “you can’t save them all,” but do we need to create more animals so they can suffer?

My gay friend!

If you have ever spoken these words in this order…stop, stop now. I love that people are getting tolerant to homosexuality, I think it is a good thing, my question is are we getting too comfortable? I have a friend who introduces me as “My gay friend.” Immediatly two things happen. 1) she looks instantly trendy having her token gay friend 2)I have lost my identity.

 Yes, I am gay. But there are other parts of me that I feel are way more important. Did you know I once put together an entertainment center using a butter knife, the Yellow Pages and a shoe? I’ll bet not. Did you know I love to sing and dance in the shower? Did you know I can change the oil, brakes, starter, and alternator on a VW? No. But these are all parts of who I am. Have you ever heard someone say “This is my mechanically inclined friend Jeff.” No because the ability to gap spark plugs does not make your friends look like she has evolved to the point that sexuality is no longer an issue. As a society have we come so far to accept homosexuality that we want gay people to surround us so we look open-minded, or hip? I will now publish the “owners manual” for straight girls who have a gay male friend. 

1) No I  wont go shopping with you

2) I don’t care how you look, and will lie to you like a straight man would

3) I don’t love musicals, don’t even ask me about them

4) I REALLY don’t want to see you naked, not even if you are just changing really quick (there is a reason I am gay)

5) Don’t say fag

6) You are not Grace, and I am not your Will

7) If I was straight we would still not date

8 ) I really don’t want everyone to know I am gay, so lets not yell things like “Do you think he’s hot?” “Is it hard to be gay in Utah” and so on. If we are going to get in a loud talking competition, lets take a trip to Pioneer Park, we can discuss the contents of your wallet.

9) I didn’t get a gaydar chip installed, so I don’t know

10) ”I have a gay friend you should meet.” Ok why? I am not sure if that just makes you a whore, but there is something called personalities, some don’t click. I hope you don’t have sex with every guy who is straight just because he exists. Next time you want to set me up, don’t. 

 I think that covers it. Questions, comments?

Blogging is for losers

Let’s be honest is anyone interesting enough to have a webpage or blog dedicated to themselves? Honestly no. Never the less more and more people are blogging and reading blogs. So this is my attempt at immortalizing myself. Ready-Set-Go.

 The following are items you will learn about:

My Dog

My Car

Why I hate Kids

Why I hate your kids

Why I hate my neighbors

And every detail of my life that I find interesting. So check back all the time, you are bound to learn something new and in time fall in love with me.