That’s it? We are late for the club!

These are the exact words my friend “Sauerkraut” said when I told her I was gay. It was such a non-issue I was pissed. She wasn’t surprised, she wasn’t angry at me for being gay…she was mad that I made her late to the club. This was my favorite reaction of anyone. I have been thinking about this because it has been one year since I officially came out. So I am going to tell my story.

The weekend before Thanksgiving 2006 I came out of the closet, but it started years before. When I was in about 4th grade I knew something was different, but didn’t know exactly what. I felt different toward my male friends than my female friends. When my friends started to hit puberty and started to flirt and kiss girls, I was so confused. I felt so out of place, something I should have just gotten used to. In order to fit in I would hold girls hands, and flirt with them at Classic Skating. I thought it was just that I was a “late bloomer” but once I hit puberty I would become “normal.”

Jr. High came and that was where the divide started. My male friends were girl crazy, all we would talk about was girls, it was so boring. I remember a friend of mine found a stash of his brothers porn, for him it was like the lottery, for me it was like finding a dictionary. Again, I thought I would grow out of it. Soon my group of friends and I started to drift apart and I found a group of girls to hang out with.

My Sophomore year of High School my 2 best friends were girls, it was fine, but I always felt like I was missing out on hanging with guys, and doing things guys do. They got boyfriends and I was just an awkward 5th wheel. By now I knew I was not going to grow out of anything, but I thought if I prayed about it, and went to church, and did all the things good Mormon boys do it would go away, after all, the scriptures do say that man will not be tempted beyond his limits. So I assumed I could pray it away. My Senior year my parents moved a whole 2 miles. I was in the same school but my ward changed. I met a few new friends who were male and we started to hang out. They were good kids, they liked the same things I did, so we hung out a lot. I had a lot of girlfriends in this time, and kissed a lot of girls….it was lame though. Honestly I think I had deprived myself so much of my basic sexuality that I was almost “asexual”at the time. I didn’t like girls and I didn’t like boys. I was Jeff and that is all.

When high school ended I went to Weber State University for a year, I was supposed to go on a mission, that is what all Mormon boys do. I was so depressed though. I didn’t want to go on a mission, I felt like I was giving up my life, my personality and most importantly my freedom. I complied though and got a mission call. I was to go to Connecticut, leaving in June 2001. Well I obviously didn’t go, and enrolled at USU. I moved up here and went wild. I had gone from “Peter Priesthood” to….not peter priesthood. This whole time I was still dating girls, treating them like shit so they would dump me, then moving on to the next.

I was in school, out of school, moving all over Logan…but one thing always followed me…I’m gay. I left the church from 2001-2005, during this time oddly I still didn’t come out. Looking back on it I think the reason is, growing up my father was so anti-gay I was anti-gay. I hated the idea of being gay, I hated the lifestyle I saw. I hated gay people, what a strange thing to have to deal with, hating what you are. It was a very dark time in my life, but I had, and have really good friends. Although I never told them what was wrong, and some never even knew I was in a 2 year depression, I could always lean on my friends.

In 2005 I decided to buy a house. In April I closed and moved in. “Sauerkraut” moved in with me for 2 months after her graduation, but left in July. I owned a house, had a dog and a cat, a car and had no one to share it with. It was horrible. My friends Poodle and Wyoming moved in in August and I wasn’t alone anymore….until Summer 2006. I was sitting on my couch in July. I had gotten off work and came home there was nothing to do. The house was spotless, the yard was mowed, fertilized and weeded. The car was washed, and I was watching a movie when it hit me. This will be me in 30 years, only with a different dog. Wow, how sad is that, it was then and there I decided I needed to change something or I would have nothing.

It took 3 months to get the courage, but I did it. The first person I told was Summer, then the “Lewiston Peeps” then Poodle, then Johnny Boy and then I don’t know who. In 3 weeks I told my parents, all my friends, coworkers…the ones I consider friends…and other “safe” people. The reactions ranged from “I always knew” to “are you kidding me?” to “That’s it? We are late for the club!” My friends were so amazing, they introduced me to people, they didn’t judge and most important they never left me.

My “second family” was so amazing. The parents were so supportive, they told their older kids, who really didn’t care. Eventually they told their younger kids who had some truly amazing reactions….the second to youngest was so compassionate according to the mom.

Before I came out to anyone though, I had to leave the church. The missionaries found me the Spring of 2005. They came by a lot and eventually I started to go back. I ended up with a metric butt-load of callings. I liked it, but I always felt like a hypocrite, always teaching the gospel, never living it. I went to my bishops house one night, told him I was gay and asked to be released from my callings. He was SOOO nice, I will never have anything negative to say about this man. He is the most amazing LDS person I have ever met. He tried to convince me to not go, but in the end he respected it was a decision I was making for me. I felt sick, yet free leaving his house. 

Eventually I told my entire family. They were a bit more dramatic, but there were some amazing surprises. The people I thought would disown me told me they loved me, the ones I thought would accept me threatened to take their kids away. As I was telling each of them I let them know they could say whatever they wanted to me and I would not be offended because I knew this was a huge shock for them. The family member who reacted the worst, I call the most, that is the sibling I hang out with most, and between you and me I like those nephews the most too.

Overall it was a good experience. I lost no friends and have never been “Mathew Sheparded.” I have learned about tolerance, love, respect, understanding, and  what family really is. I have learned that it’s okay to be gay. It’s okay to have an opinion, and most importantly I learned who I really am. I have never felt so free.

Peace