Random Stuff

I hate clutter. I hate all the personal crap people have in their house for decorations. I hate dry flowers I hate anything that is not nessicary. I hate bumper stickers, I hate junk. So why was I so compelled to buy these damn shadow boxes at Bed Bath and Beyond because “They are on sale!” Now my house no longer has bare walls and I might like it. But my issue with non nessicary items is being challenged even more. I mentioned I hate bumperstickers….well the Momtero had 2 when I bought it and had 3 when it died! (Obama ‘08, Leave No Trace, and an FSM badge) I loved all the stickers. Well now my most recent used car acquisition comes complete with 3 stickers (I heart Strippers, a #20 and a naked lady with the words SKIN). If you must know those stickers are staying on the car for the following reasons….I do love strippers, just maybe not the ones people think of first. I hear that NASCAR #20 is a bad A$$ so people will think I am also, and finally the “Skin” sticker might prevent a hate crime.

I bought a Pepsi today with an expiration of 08/05/08.

I am thinking of fixing the Momtero.

I am buying a Chevy Beretta.

My stereo in the Blazer fell out of the dash, the mirror cover on the sun visor fell off, and one speaker blew all in the same 40 minute drive.

Oh and I am eating energy drink gum.

SUCK IT!

p.s. the “Skin” sticker has a, how you say “Beaver Shot?” Yeah classy

The Name Game

*Editors Note…I stole this from my pal…click here so she gets the credit she deserves.

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names)
Ray Lynn

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad)
Edwin Blaine

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)
EdJeff

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Dog

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)
Woolley Logan

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning)
The Blue Mojito (I know, I know but it’s cool, I AM gay.)

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
JeEd

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Chocolate Double Stuff (Maybe I should make a parental advisory for this post)

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name)
Buddy South or Whitey South

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Sophie Continental

Momtero

So I’m driving to work, I get to Smithfield and the heater in the Momtero dies…”no worries” I think, “I can fix a heater core.” So I travel about 2 more miles and I notice the temperature guage rising… “No worries,” I think “I can fix a sticking thermostat.” The temperature gauge never gets to “hot” it is just higher than normal….but then it drops down to normal, then rises then falls. So I am not to worried, the car is accelerating fine, I am passing cars fine and nothing seems wrong, other than the heater died and the temperature guage is possessed by the minions of Hitler. But there is a smell, the smell of coolant. I am still not to concerned, “it could be just a little coolant overflowing when the thermostat sticks closed” I think, again “I can fix that.”

As I pull into the parking lot of work I see the most beautiful sight…..the best parking spot in the whole parking lot. Front and center…and anyone who knows this parking lot knows this spot MUST be backed into or you are not parking right. As I am backing into the parking spot the car starts to sputter and shake and then the explosion occures. Black and white smoke billow out from the hood and exhaust pipe and the car dies. Oh well I am almost late for work. I yell “Chuck (name change to protect the innocent) something bad happened to the car come look at it, I am late for work.” So I just walk in as my car is exploding smoke like a dorm room full of weed heads. As I walk in I pass the smoking area which is packed with coworkers who tell me my car is on fire, and they are laughing, to which I respond “let it burn, I have insurance.” With that I go inside, clock in and begin my shift.

On my break I go outside to see “Chuck” looking under the hood, he says “Start the engine.” So I start it up, the car starts then promptly makes a sound that if repeated will make every kitten in the world bald, and that was the last time the engine ran before dumping the liquid contents of it’s engine in the best parking spot on the property.

“Chuck” who will be translated when the rapture hits, towed my car home on a flatbed trailer, parked the Momtero next to my house (where it sits today) and let me borrow an extra car of his that I ended up buying. Long story short…my farorite car EVER is dead and I can’t part with his metal carcass.

R.I.P Momtero 1993-2008 199,600 miles

SUCK IT!

Where’s the poop?

So a few months ago I went outside to clean up dog crap and mow the lawn, you know this is an old story because all grass is dead now. Anyway, it is a Saturday morning and this is the first thing I do, clean up dog crap and mow the lawn. It takes me all of ten minutes so I try to get it out of the way. I go outside with my shovel and plastic bag lined garbage can to take care of Buddy’s business. Well to my delight I find that all the crap has been cleaned up! Oh this is a great day in Jeff history, some kind soul has cleaned up the crap…I must thank this person personally. So I ask my hippie roommate if she cleaned up the poop…”no” is her response, so I ask my new roommate if he cleaned up the dog crap, again I get a “no.” I think nothing of it and mow the lawn.

Sunday comes and with the nice weather I go out to the front yard to bask in the glory that is, or should be, and find that again there is no poo. None. None in the grass, none in the flowers none in the shady area where nothing grows…there is NO poo. So now I am freaking out. My dog is constapated. I recall cleaning up crap the week before, so that means it has been over a week since he has taken a dump. I call my human-doctor brother-in-law and ask him what to do. His advice is, get the dog moving and his bowels will start moving as well, and what ever is causing the obstruction needs to come out. If Buddy can’t pass it on his own he needs to go to a vet so they can remove it.

So I take Buddy on a three mile walk where he takes two diarheas, one on a fire hydrant (such a cliche I know) and another dump on somones bushes, both of which I cleaned up. But it wasn’t enough poo, infact it was more bark than bite if you know what I mean. Now I am panicing, and the dog is farting, LOUD AUDIBLE NASTY FARTS!

First thing Monday I call the vet, they say bring him in. So off we go to get his pooper checked out. I get to the vet and Buddy is a playful little guy. Jumping licking and being himself, the vet says he is not a sick dog, but they poke and prod anyway and say he is fine, but has an upset stomach because I abruptly changed his diet, but again I do not have a sick dog, they say keep him walking and some poop will come out eventaully, but again to assure me, they say he is not constipated, he has no bowel obstruction and he is FINE. I get home and am in the front yard with him and see him take a gigantic human sized dook…I am so excited! I praise him, and say nice things and walk in to get him a treat. As I come out I see a Magpie swoop down and pick up his poop and fly off. This has been going on for two months now, it almost makes me feel bad for my neighbor whose tree the bird lives in…almost feel bad, almost.

Suck It!