Necessity is the mother of what?

So I have been working my BUTT off these past few weeks. Now that school is out I feel like I should be working 12 hour days….so I am. Last week I worked 71 hours, and this week I am on track to beat that, so needless to say I have been thinking a lot. I think about money, school, the house, cars I want, and inventions…yes inventions. Did I also mention I have been farting a lot?

So you mix two thought streams and you get this “Dude I just farted, I hope no one can smell it, they should invent something that will let me fart at anytime.” Well here folks is my first invention. THE ASS PLEASURE!

Here is the premise, it is a devise that is fitted next to or  near your ass. It is filled with a wonderful scent that when air passes through releases the scent. Because of the micron filtration technology we have, all offending poo gas smells will be captured in the filter, and out will flow wonderful clean smelling air. I imagine this will be a conversation in the future.

Co-worker – Jeff did you just spray cologne? It smells like a Mountain Spring!

Me – Why no my good sir, I just farted, you are smeling my Ass Pleasure!

Co-worker – Bravo Jeff, Bravo.

I have decided there will be several scent families. Outdoor, holiday, baked goods, and my favorite Wild Fruits. I also envision a line of Ass Pleasure based on existing colognes…CK1 Ass Pleasure and Eternity Ass Pleasure to name a few. I was thinking that this is not just an item for men, there will be Ass Pleasures for Him and Ass Pleasures for her….and I just thought of a new one, Pet Ass Pleasures! ( I could use that one!)

So how much would you be willing to pay for this item? $1500? $1000? How about $4.99 for a two pack! Yes you heard me right, one Ass Pleasures will last 12 hours and you get two for less than the cost of a Pizza!

So what do you think of idea # 1? PATENT PENDING!

Idea #2 is one I REALLY REALLY WANT. It is called the Poomba. We have all heard of the Roomba, the creapy little vacuum thing that vacuums your floor by itself then docks itself to charge it’s batteries, well why not have an industrial strength version that will scoop the animal crap in your yard? Here is my idea.

It is an electric four wheeled machine that has sensors on it. You put stakes in the corners of your grassy area. The Poomba will know the boundries because of the sensors in the stakes and will begin to comb your yard for debris. The Poomba will have lawnmower tires and a rake-like device on the front that will scoop the poop. When the rake scoops an item the contraption will stop and the rake will lift, dumping the contents into a container on the top. When the Poomba has scoured the yard for poop it will close the lid to the poo container and re-dock itself on it’s charger. When the poo bucket is full you just release it and throw it away.

So there you are. These are the things I think about at work. And yes I know people will type  “Ass Pleasure” in Google and will be disappointing at finding the link to my blog….or will they….?

SUCK IT!

Why I love my friends.

I miss two of my very bestest friends. We used to all live pretty close together and had some really fun times. One of us, Ms. Bojangles, moved to Portland and ruined it all. We still try to keep in touch via email and an annual summer trip but it isn’t the same. The following is an email I sent to Ms. Bojangles and Sauerkraut. I was telling them how my week went, and how it would have gone if they had been here…the part you are reading is how it WOULD have gone. You, my dear readers, are in for a treat. You get to see how me, Sauerkraut and Ms. Bojangles interact, (lets just call them S-Kraut and Ms. Bj). FYI some of it has been changed to protect names and clean up some language.

*You are now joining our regular email already in progress*

…I
hate my life, but one day I will be so rich and have no stress, and that
is what keeps me going. I want you guys to move close again, I hate
making memories without you people because if you two were here this is
how the break would have gone….

Wednesday – I would force you all to go to the bar, S-Kraut would
have been pissed because the bar charged her for a non alcoholic
beverage, Ms. Bj would have been trying to dance while 15 nasty old men, who just
stumbled out of their trailer, stared at her. I would have been chain
smoking, S-Kraut would have told me I stink.

Thursday – I would have cooked some God-aweful meal, S-Kraut would
have yelled at me for burning it and she would have made something that was
only ok, and she would have bitched about how much better it COULD have
been. I would have used this as ammunition to torture her with for
years. Ms. Bj would have been online trying to find the perfect vegetarian
dish and would have given up and eaten the turkey. I would have turned
on Christmas music and pissed both of you off.

Firday – We would have camped out in front of Smiths Marketplace
and Ms. Bj would have worn the most horrible outfit but would justify it
with “But I am so warm!” S-Kraut would have gotten in the car and turned
the heat on and we would all eventually have gotten in the car, but my
farts would be to strong and I would have been kicked out. S-Kraut would
have stood in the line and made passive aggresive comments to anyone
that looked at her funny, Ms. Bj would criticize everyones outfits,
oblivious to the fact that hers would have been the worst! We would
have gotten the toys.

Saturday – We would have gone tree hunting, you both would have
bitched the whole time and I would have to defend why this was better
than buying one at the store. Ms. Bj would have gotten out of the car the
first time to hunt for the tree, but would not have gotten out a second
time. I would have stepped on the dead elk, Ms. Bj would have wondered why
it died, S-Kraut would have thrown up. I would make us stop like 10 times
looking for the perfect tree, S-Kraut would have only gotten out of the
car IF she could use the ax. I would have seen her swinging the axe and
would be annoyed at how wrong she is doing it. She would hit the tree
like 2 times and would wonder why it isn’t falling down like in the
cartoons at which point I would have become verbally abusive and would
steal the ax from her and chopped the tree down, Ms. Bj would be
hysterically laughing in the car. S-Kraut would stomp back to the car
leaving me to load the tree on myself. As we were driving home you both
would be complaining that this was a waste of time….but would be sad
when I didn’t do it next year.

Sunday – We would wake up at like 10 and go to Angies, Ms. Bj would be
pissed because we woke her up, but would have been more pissed had we
not. We would have come back home and sat around in our pajamas until 2
in the afternoon smelling like sweat, farts and cigarettes….the last
2 are me. But we would have had a great weekend and I would have been
sad when you both left and the house would feel empty and quiet.

Move back.

Jeff