It’s official…I’m a quitter

I really don’t know how I feel about this but it’s been a month since I quit smoking. I know smoking is bad for you, I know it costs money, I know it is becoming socially unacceptable, but I love it…and miss it.

My first cigarette was with a dorm mate in September 2001. It is the same old story, peer pressure and wanting to fit in, from my first cigarette I was hooked. Several times over the past nine years I thought about quitting and put in a half assed attempt at quitting. I would quit for two weeks, three weeks, six months, but I would always go back. I am a firm believer that smoking is a symptom, not the problem, but more of that to come. Smoking, for the past nine years, or the entirety of my adult life, has been a way to fit in, a way to deal with stress, sadness, anger, happiness; really a way of life. I met so many great friends by smoking; one thing about smokers is they pretty much always want to talk. At work, concerts, bars, parties, school and any other social gathering take a walk outside and you will find circles of people getting to know each other over a cigarette.

Smoking has been a way for me to think things through when I am conflicted. When I didn’t know what to do I could always take five minutes, go outside and have a cigarette and think it through, generally I could find clarity just by smoking. Smoking has been a reward for hard work; I always would say to myself “finish this task and you can have a smoke.” There has never been a better reward.

But I am getting older, I know I am not OLD, but I am no longer a 20 year-old kid. I am getting a few gray hairs, I am no longer in school, I find myself rolling my eyes at the actions of high school kids and I listen to talk radio. Somewhere between my first cigarette and today I became an adult, and part of being an adult is making adult decisions, and this one has been hard.

After my graduation I started to think long and hard about where I thought I would be at this age, and where I am. I work at a great paying dead-end job, I own a somewhat ghetto house, have a somewhat useless degree, live in a somewhat bigoted community, have had no meaningful, long-term relationships and am on a self-destructive path with my health. I have decided to change all this. Here is a small list of the steps I have taken to fix my mediocre life.

• Started to apply for jobs in an industry I think I would enjoy long-term
• Applied for jobs in communities that more fit my lifestyle
• Picked up working on my house again
• Quit smoking
• Started running

I still haven’t begun working on my lack of a meaningful relationship, part of me thinks I am not 100% ready to begin dating, but I really think that is what people who CAN’T find a date say.

So the problem all along, I think, is that I haven’t been satisfied with my life, I have always felt like I have been missing something and I have smoked to try to fill the void. Today I am facing the void head on. I am trying to take positive steps that will take me to somewhere better than I am today. I am lonely, scared and nicotene-less, but I feel healthier, can run further, smell better, and have a few more dollars in my savings account. I just am crossing my finger that in 10 years I am in a really good place and can attribute it to making these scary, difficult and adult decisions. I also hope I can reflect back to today without holding a cigarette.

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