Necessity is the mother of what?

So I have been working my BUTT off these past few weeks. Now that school is out I feel like I should be working 12 hour days….so I am. Last week I worked 71 hours, and this week I am on track to beat that, so needless to say I have been thinking a lot. I think about money, school, the house, cars I want, and inventions…yes inventions. Did I also mention I have been farting a lot?

So you mix two thought streams and you get this “Dude I just farted, I hope no one can smell it, they should invent something that will let me fart at anytime.” Well here folks is my first invention. THE ASS PLEASURE!

Here is the premise, it is a devise that is fitted next to or  near your ass. It is filled with a wonderful scent that when air passes through releases the scent. Because of the micron filtration technology we have, all offending poo gas smells will be captured in the filter, and out will flow wonderful clean smelling air. I imagine this will be a conversation in the future.

Co-worker – Jeff did you just spray cologne? It smells like a Mountain Spring!

Me – Why no my good sir, I just farted, you are smeling my Ass Pleasure!

Co-worker – Bravo Jeff, Bravo.

I have decided there will be several scent families. Outdoor, holiday, baked goods, and my favorite Wild Fruits. I also envision a line of Ass Pleasure based on existing colognes…CK1 Ass Pleasure and Eternity Ass Pleasure to name a few. I was thinking that this is not just an item for men, there will be Ass Pleasures for Him and Ass Pleasures for her….and I just thought of a new one, Pet Ass Pleasures! ( I could use that one!)

So how much would you be willing to pay for this item? $1500? $1000? How about $4.99 for a two pack! Yes you heard me right, one Ass Pleasures will last 12 hours and you get two for less than the cost of a Pizza!

So what do you think of idea # 1? PATENT PENDING!

Idea #2 is one I REALLY REALLY WANT. It is called the Poomba. We have all heard of the Roomba, the creapy little vacuum thing that vacuums your floor by itself then docks itself to charge it’s batteries, well why not have an industrial strength version that will scoop the animal crap in your yard? Here is my idea.

It is an electric four wheeled machine that has sensors on it. You put stakes in the corners of your grassy area. The Poomba will know the boundries because of the sensors in the stakes and will begin to comb your yard for debris. The Poomba will have lawnmower tires and a rake-like device on the front that will scoop the poop. When the rake scoops an item the contraption will stop and the rake will lift, dumping the contents into a container on the top. When the Poomba has scoured the yard for poop it will close the lid to the poo container and re-dock itself on it’s charger. When the poo bucket is full you just release it and throw it away.

So there you are. These are the things I think about at work. And yes I know people will type  “Ass Pleasure” in Google and will be disappointing at finding the link to my blog….or will they….?

SUCK IT!

Why I love my friends.

I miss two of my very bestest friends. We used to all live pretty close together and had some really fun times. One of us, Ms. Bojangles, moved to Portland and ruined it all. We still try to keep in touch via email and an annual summer trip but it isn’t the same. The following is an email I sent to Ms. Bojangles and Sauerkraut. I was telling them how my week went, and how it would have gone if they had been here…the part you are reading is how it WOULD have gone. You, my dear readers, are in for a treat. You get to see how me, Sauerkraut and Ms. Bojangles interact, (lets just call them S-Kraut and Ms. Bj). FYI some of it has been changed to protect names and clean up some language.

*You are now joining our regular email already in progress*

…I
hate my life, but one day I will be so rich and have no stress, and that
is what keeps me going. I want you guys to move close again, I hate
making memories without you people because if you two were here this is
how the break would have gone….

Wednesday – I would force you all to go to the bar, S-Kraut would
have been pissed because the bar charged her for a non alcoholic
beverage, Ms. Bj would have been trying to dance while 15 nasty old men, who just
stumbled out of their trailer, stared at her. I would have been chain
smoking, S-Kraut would have told me I stink.

Thursday – I would have cooked some God-aweful meal, S-Kraut would
have yelled at me for burning it and she would have made something that was
only ok, and she would have bitched about how much better it COULD have
been. I would have used this as ammunition to torture her with for
years. Ms. Bj would have been online trying to find the perfect vegetarian
dish and would have given up and eaten the turkey. I would have turned
on Christmas music and pissed both of you off.

Firday – We would have camped out in front of Smiths Marketplace
and Ms. Bj would have worn the most horrible outfit but would justify it
with “But I am so warm!” S-Kraut would have gotten in the car and turned
the heat on and we would all eventually have gotten in the car, but my
farts would be to strong and I would have been kicked out. S-Kraut would
have stood in the line and made passive aggresive comments to anyone
that looked at her funny, Ms. Bj would criticize everyones outfits,
oblivious to the fact that hers would have been the worst! We would
have gotten the toys.

Saturday – We would have gone tree hunting, you both would have
bitched the whole time and I would have to defend why this was better
than buying one at the store. Ms. Bj would have gotten out of the car the
first time to hunt for the tree, but would not have gotten out a second
time. I would have stepped on the dead elk, Ms. Bj would have wondered why
it died, S-Kraut would have thrown up. I would make us stop like 10 times
looking for the perfect tree, S-Kraut would have only gotten out of the
car IF she could use the ax. I would have seen her swinging the axe and
would be annoyed at how wrong she is doing it. She would hit the tree
like 2 times and would wonder why it isn’t falling down like in the
cartoons at which point I would have become verbally abusive and would
steal the ax from her and chopped the tree down, Ms. Bj would be
hysterically laughing in the car. S-Kraut would stomp back to the car
leaving me to load the tree on myself. As we were driving home you both
would be complaining that this was a waste of time….but would be sad
when I didn’t do it next year.

Sunday – We would wake up at like 10 and go to Angies, Ms. Bj would be
pissed because we woke her up, but would have been more pissed had we
not. We would have come back home and sat around in our pajamas until 2
in the afternoon smelling like sweat, farts and cigarettes….the last
2 are me. But we would have had a great weekend and I would have been
sad when you both left and the house would feel empty and quiet.

Move back.

Jeff

Random Stuff

I hate clutter. I hate all the personal crap people have in their house for decorations. I hate dry flowers I hate anything that is not nessicary. I hate bumper stickers, I hate junk. So why was I so compelled to buy these damn shadow boxes at Bed Bath and Beyond because “They are on sale!” Now my house no longer has bare walls and I might like it. But my issue with non nessicary items is being challenged even more. I mentioned I hate bumperstickers….well the Momtero had 2 when I bought it and had 3 when it died! (Obama ‘08, Leave No Trace, and an FSM badge) I loved all the stickers. Well now my most recent used car acquisition comes complete with 3 stickers (I heart Strippers, a #20 and a naked lady with the words SKIN). If you must know those stickers are staying on the car for the following reasons….I do love strippers, just maybe not the ones people think of first. I hear that NASCAR #20 is a bad A$$ so people will think I am also, and finally the “Skin” sticker might prevent a hate crime.

I bought a Pepsi today with an expiration of 08/05/08.

I am thinking of fixing the Momtero.

I am buying a Chevy Beretta.

My stereo in the Blazer fell out of the dash, the mirror cover on the sun visor fell off, and one speaker blew all in the same 40 minute drive.

Oh and I am eating energy drink gum.

SUCK IT!

p.s. the “Skin” sticker has a, how you say “Beaver Shot?” Yeah classy

The Name Game

*Editors Note…I stole this from my pal…click here so she gets the credit she deserves.

1. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names)
Ray Lynn

2. NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad)
Edwin Blaine

3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)
EdJeff

4. DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Dog

5. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live)
Woolley Logan

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite alcoholic drink, optionally add “THE” to the beginning)
The Blue Mojito (I know, I know but it’s cool, I AM gay.)

7. FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
JeEd

8. GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Chocolate Double Stuff (Maybe I should make a parental advisory for this post)

9. ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet’s name, current street name)
Buddy South or Whitey South

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Sophie Continental

Momtero

So I’m driving to work, I get to Smithfield and the heater in the Momtero dies…”no worries” I think, “I can fix a heater core.” So I travel about 2 more miles and I notice the temperature guage rising… “No worries,” I think “I can fix a sticking thermostat.” The temperature gauge never gets to “hot” it is just higher than normal….but then it drops down to normal, then rises then falls. So I am not to worried, the car is accelerating fine, I am passing cars fine and nothing seems wrong, other than the heater died and the temperature guage is possessed by the minions of Hitler. But there is a smell, the smell of coolant. I am still not to concerned, “it could be just a little coolant overflowing when the thermostat sticks closed” I think, again “I can fix that.”

As I pull into the parking lot of work I see the most beautiful sight…..the best parking spot in the whole parking lot. Front and center…and anyone who knows this parking lot knows this spot MUST be backed into or you are not parking right. As I am backing into the parking spot the car starts to sputter and shake and then the explosion occures. Black and white smoke billow out from the hood and exhaust pipe and the car dies. Oh well I am almost late for work. I yell “Chuck (name change to protect the innocent) something bad happened to the car come look at it, I am late for work.” So I just walk in as my car is exploding smoke like a dorm room full of weed heads. As I walk in I pass the smoking area which is packed with coworkers who tell me my car is on fire, and they are laughing, to which I respond “let it burn, I have insurance.” With that I go inside, clock in and begin my shift.

On my break I go outside to see “Chuck” looking under the hood, he says “Start the engine.” So I start it up, the car starts then promptly makes a sound that if repeated will make every kitten in the world bald, and that was the last time the engine ran before dumping the liquid contents of it’s engine in the best parking spot on the property.

“Chuck” who will be translated when the rapture hits, towed my car home on a flatbed trailer, parked the Momtero next to my house (where it sits today) and let me borrow an extra car of his that I ended up buying. Long story short…my farorite car EVER is dead and I can’t part with his metal carcass.

R.I.P Momtero 1993-2008 199,600 miles

SUCK IT!

Where’s the poop?

So a few months ago I went outside to clean up dog crap and mow the lawn, you know this is an old story because all grass is dead now. Anyway, it is a Saturday morning and this is the first thing I do, clean up dog crap and mow the lawn. It takes me all of ten minutes so I try to get it out of the way. I go outside with my shovel and plastic bag lined garbage can to take care of Buddy’s business. Well to my delight I find that all the crap has been cleaned up! Oh this is a great day in Jeff history, some kind soul has cleaned up the crap…I must thank this person personally. So I ask my hippie roommate if she cleaned up the poop…”no” is her response, so I ask my new roommate if he cleaned up the dog crap, again I get a “no.” I think nothing of it and mow the lawn.

Sunday comes and with the nice weather I go out to the front yard to bask in the glory that is, or should be, and find that again there is no poo. None. None in the grass, none in the flowers none in the shady area where nothing grows…there is NO poo. So now I am freaking out. My dog is constapated. I recall cleaning up crap the week before, so that means it has been over a week since he has taken a dump. I call my human-doctor brother-in-law and ask him what to do. His advice is, get the dog moving and his bowels will start moving as well, and what ever is causing the obstruction needs to come out. If Buddy can’t pass it on his own he needs to go to a vet so they can remove it.

So I take Buddy on a three mile walk where he takes two diarheas, one on a fire hydrant (such a cliche I know) and another dump on somones bushes, both of which I cleaned up. But it wasn’t enough poo, infact it was more bark than bite if you know what I mean. Now I am panicing, and the dog is farting, LOUD AUDIBLE NASTY FARTS!

First thing Monday I call the vet, they say bring him in. So off we go to get his pooper checked out. I get to the vet and Buddy is a playful little guy. Jumping licking and being himself, the vet says he is not a sick dog, but they poke and prod anyway and say he is fine, but has an upset stomach because I abruptly changed his diet, but again I do not have a sick dog, they say keep him walking and some poop will come out eventaully, but again to assure me, they say he is not constipated, he has no bowel obstruction and he is FINE. I get home and am in the front yard with him and see him take a gigantic human sized dook…I am so excited! I praise him, and say nice things and walk in to get him a treat. As I come out I see a Magpie swoop down and pick up his poop and fly off. This has been going on for two months now, it almost makes me feel bad for my neighbor whose tree the bird lives in…almost feel bad, almost.

Suck It!

Hair

I’ve had…

• Brown Hair
• Black Hair
• Blue Hair
• Red Hair
• Green Hair
• White Hair
• Yellow Hair
• Calico Hair
• Long Hair
• Short Hair
• No Hair
• Straight Hair
• Curly Hair
• No Hair on top, Hair on the sides

But today I noticed a new hair…GRAY HAIR

Kill me now.

Suck It.

If you are LDS vote “YES” on Prop 8.

This might sound a bit odd, but if you are an active member of the LDS church and you like the LDS church and you want to continue being a “card carrying member” of the LDS church, I won’t be sad if you vote “YES” or donate money to support the passing of Prop 8 in CA.

It is no secret I was raised LDS although I do not consider myself LDS anymore, but at one time I was. Because I was an active member I made many friends who are LDS. These friends have accepted me and my lifestyle as best as they can. Most know about people I go on dates with and most were with me while I was coming to terms with being a homosexual, and most support this decision (I think). So it makes me sad that the LDS church decided to put many of their members in an awkward position…do we vote how we want and potentially lose our Temple Recommends, or do we follow the prophet and vote “YES” on soemthing we don’t agree with? This homosexual is giving you permission to feel guilt free when giving your 10% to the supporters of Prop 8. The last thing any LDS person needs to do is rock the boat just enough, and speak out one to many times and draw attention to themselves.

One area with the LDS culture I had issues with, and this is NOT Anti-Mormon, was I wanted to know for sure if it was true. There was a time I felt it was true, and I said I knew it was true…but I had no concrete evidence other than a “feeling.” I remember asking my bishop if this was normal, and he told me it was. He told me that sometimes we have to have faith in things we can not see…he talked about things like air and radiowaves, they are there but we cant see it. I kind of got it and later was thinking about it and I just couldn’t shake the feeling that my question wasn’t answered. Because of radiowaves and air tangible things happen; cell phones ring, people don’t die, balloons get bigger…but I had yet to see something tangible happen that proved the church was true. I also want to point out that I did and do believe in a God and he/she can and has made tangible things happen. Anyway so I talked to the bishop again and explained that I believed in a higher power because tangible things can and have come from God, but I still wasn’t sure about the LDS church, so he said I should read about it. He gave me a few books and told me to read them and it should answer my questions. I got the books and found they were all written by LDS authors, I didn’t read the books because even at age 16 I totally understood one of the most fundamental concepts of journalism, bias. I told this to the bishop and I remember the conversation turned a little more serious than before. I don’t remember the exact words used but the feeling I got was if I read anything about the LDS church, or did any studying out side of the approved reading list I was going against the prophet, and I could become Anti-Mormon. Growing up Anti-Mormon people were scary…they burned Book of Mormons on Brigham Young grave, they would break into churches and do satanic rituals…or so I was told, and shown in a movie called Gods Army. In the end my questions were never answered, but I got a lesson on having faith and following along even if you don’t know if what you are doing is right…because it could be Anit-Mormon of you to look outside your beliefs for answers.

Back to Prop 8. The LDS church has all but said Vote YES on Prop 8 or you are not being obedient to the teachings of your Latter-Day Prophet. They are encouraging members to give time and money to pass this Proposition, the LDS leaders, who you sustained, are asking you, without saying the words, to vote “YES.” Don’t put yourself in the position of having to defend your loyalty to the leaders for this. If you feel Prop 8 needs to pass, give money. If you are LDS and want to see Prop 8 defeated, give money. Think about it this way, if Prop 8 passes homosexuals get to live in the status quo, and so do you. I think in this case an LDS person who is against Prop 8 has no good choices, support Prop 8, I understand.

Now that I am off my soapbox I want to go on record as saying there IS a divide between Mormons and Non-Mormons in Utah. This divide gets bigger and bigger everyday and the Mormon church getting involved in Alcohol and now Prop 8 has made the divide even bigger, and there is no way anyone can say the divide isn’t there. Leaders of the LDS church can talk about unity and being good neighbors for hours, but their actions in the instance of Prop 8 do not align with their talk.

The topic for tomorrows blog…the mysterious dissapearance of Jeff.

Suck It!

When I had it all.

So recently I have been a bit down, and I don’t know why. I know I normally have wild mood swings where in one day I can feel every emotion possible, but every so often I just feel like crap for days, weeks and sometimes even months. When I feel like crap for more than a few days I like to think back on things that make me happy, I do this in a futile effort to make me smile. There is also another component to this funk I get into…I don’t want anyone to know. Most people who know me expect a certain Jeff, and rather than explain why I am depressed, I give them the show they are expecting. Oh and sorry if this post seems a bit down, but it is how I feel.

Anyway the times in my life I think back to when I am going through one of these phases are: Summer 2000, Summer 2002, and Summer 2003. There wasn’t anything really special about these times, and the only way I can explain these times were, I had it all and I knew it.

Summer 2000 was a fun time for me, I had just graduated high school and was living at home and had no real worries. I was surrounded by friends and my parents had given me my first taste of freedom. I had no curfew, no real rules and this was when I first realized they were fun people, not the oppressors I thought they were. I would stay up late talking to friends, driving aimlessly around Salt Lake and chatting on line with these same friends who lived 4 houses away until the early morning. I worked full time, but even work was fun. I felt like an adult, but was still able to act as irresponsibly as I wanted. I loved this time and I knew it was great while it was happening. I knew the reality of the moment was great, and I remember thinking that when I was older I would look back on this time as special.

Summer 2002 started out crappy, I finished my first year of school at USU, and had moved back home with my parents. My friends I had lived with for 9 months were moving away, going on missions, or weren’t coming back to school. I remember crying the first night I was home in my old bed which is huge because I don’t cry, but within 2 weeks I was back into my old life. It was again a time of no responsibility, but one that wasn’t wasted. I had a full time job but would spend 3-4 days a week in Heber with a few really good friends. I would drive an hour each morning to go to my low paying job and would drive back to Heber after work. Again, at the time I knew this would be a time I could look back on and my memory wouldn’t have to embellish anything.

Summer 2003 was probably my favorite. My friend Sauerkraut, Kirsten and I rented this dumpy apartment together, we fondly named it the Roach. Before we moved in, I lived in my car for more than a week in Logan Canyon. I took baths in the restroom at the Ranger Station and loved it. Oh and it was a big secret too. My family is pretty hard core LDS so the fact I was living with 2 girls would have killed them *I now see the humor in this, because if I was to shack up with a girl tomorrow they would weep tears of joy.* Anyway, when we moved into the Roach we would stay up late listening to loud music, dancing, taking night hikes, stealing stuff from the loading docks at the DI (something that would come back to haunt me later) and having wild parties. We found an old wheel chair that we used for a chair at our kitchen table. We had no money, but were so happy. Now for a few neat stories. When Sauerkraut and Kirsten were in the front yard I would get in the wheel chair and purposely ride it down a flight of stairs and throw my body out of the chair and scream “MY LEGS, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!” while cars would slow down and watch in horror as these two girls would do nothing and go in the house embarrassed. Story numero dos. I was on the front porch one day smoking and let out a fart. I looked inside to see Sauerkraut in the kitchen with her jaw dropped, my fart was so loud she could hear it in the house even though no windows were opened.

So those are the three times in my life I look back at and wonder what it was about those periods that were so unique. I guess I just want a time like that again, when everyday I would wake up excited to see what would happen next, a time when going to bed was dreaded because the fun was put on “pause.” I miss that feeling of always having something to look forward to. I miss the feeling of the moments…I can’t even describe it, but each moment had a specific feeling and I loved it. Oh well, I guess life is just a few fleeting good times book ended by shit.

Suck It!

Oh and Pandora.com is potentially the greatest invention since … I can’t think of anything funny…but Pandora rocks.

It’s official…

When I become a cage fighter my name will be “Sparkles.”

Suck It!